unetherized

i am 4’10” and i will never be taller

i am intelligent but i cannot reliably add, or do basic number operations

i have free will but let concerns about family override decisions on personal happiness

i am a morning person, and will never be a night owl. no matter how many nights i spend trying to stay up.

i tend towards happiness and can’t let myself stay depressed. i have a lot of energy and i will never be able to actually tone it down.

i like to hug people and scratch backs and pet heads and cuddle and i can’t spend too much time alone.

i like making things but can only make things for other people, because i don’t care enough to finish making things for myself.

i still can’t add.

i’ll never be able to use numbers and not fuck them up.

i live in the moment. almost completely. and i don’t want to live any other way.

i don’t value money as anything other than a means to the end of eating and having a roof over your head and buying presents for your friends, and  i just can’t see it any other way.

i need to be around trees and fields or woods or gardens or mountains or deserts or any place full of not people and wild things, or i will be miserable.

i have no idea whether my happiness or my family’s happiness is more important to me.

i’m not very bitchy, or sassy, or clever, but i am really genuine and devoted.

.

these are all things i have tried to change about myself, or have never entirely accepted. these are all things that i still act like i can influence somehow, as thought they are personal choices i am making that i can make differently if i really want.

however, they are, in fact, things i have no control over. i know. it’s sacrilege to say you can’t control something in your life. 

but these are things i can’t change about myself, that i don’t feel like i even chose, that just happen to be part of who i am. sometimes people are made certain ways and these are some things that i prolly came out of the womb with. even if it took a while for them to be fully expressed.

these are things i am not going to waste any more time trying to change, because it is a waste of time. these are things i am going to have to work with. these are the constants. maybe one day they may change, because anything’s remotely possible, but if i held my breath waiting i’d obviously die long long before.

if i want to be better i have to put my efforts where they’re actually useful, and trying to change any of these things about myself is as productive as banging my head against a wall.